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#ForgiveOrForget: Do You Stay When He Cheats?

“Hell to the no!”

“It depends on the situation…”

“I would stay the first time but anything after that and I’m done.”

We have all seen the social media sensation #HurtBae, with the guy confessing to his ex-girlfriend that he cheated on her countless times during their relationship for no apparent reason. Many women can relate to #HurtBae so it’s no secret that men cheat.

The question at hand is do we forgive or forget when he steps out? It’s easier to Monday night quarterback after the fact but what would you do if you found yourself in that situation?

Forgive Him! There are very few reasons to stay with a cheating man unless you have invested more in him than you are willing to throw away. Marriage will have you reconsidering things that you promised your younger self you would never put up with. It is much harder to break apart your family (especially with children) over a poor judgment call than it is to dump your loser #MCM. You can forgive him but don’t fail to remind him of what will happen the next time he forgets his vows. And don’t let him back in so easy, make him crawl back with his tail between his legs like the bad dog he has been.

Forget It! If he cheats and the relationship hasn’t made it through an entire calendar year, that may be a sign that you should let it go sis. Short term commitment is the prerequisite for longevity and clearly he is unprepared and not ready, NEXT! If he is a repeat offender and makes you cry more than he makes you smile, send him packing because he is playing games and doesn’t value you.  Even if you have been dating for three years and he slips up, you still may let it go because you don’t play those games and he has the wrong one. The ultimate deal breaker is when he cheats and has the other woman playing on your phone or coming to your workplace. Save the drama and move on.

Eh, It Depends… Depends on what? How long have you been together? Are you married or single? All of these things matter when you find yourself in the grey area of fighting for or letting go of your relationship. Some ladies may even question the motives of the individual he cheated with and blame them; other ladies blame themselves.  Was it physical, emotional, or both? If he hit it and quit it, staying doesn’t seem so bad but if they are sending “I miss you” texts then that’s a different story. The totality of circumstances is important when you are on the fence about your current task at hand.

Note: At the end of the day, be comfortable and confident in whatever choice you make sis, I am here for you.

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Keeping Casual Sex, Casual

There are times in our lives when we don’t want the responsibility and dedication of a relationship, but still have the desire to be sexual. What’s usually the solution to that problem? Casual sex. Known in some social circles as a f*ck buddy. While having casual sex may not be the most traditional form of intimacy, there are still guidelines on keeping it casual; business casual if you will.

Commitment? Nope. There will be none of that when you lay down with each other. Be sure to get up quickly once it’s all said and done. You and your buddy should have an understanding of how things will go before the whip cream comes out.  Schedule your appointments in advance if it works better for the two of you. (Ex: Every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday at 7pm). Oh, and never feel obligated to be available since they are there to serve one purpose only.

Practice. Practice makes perfect. Use the experiences with your buddy to develop your skills for the person you may end up with in the future. Let loose and figure out positions you like most, as well as try the things you won’t do with just anyone. Might as well get all you can out of the deal, right? Correct.

No Emotions Allowed. Check your emotions at the door. Yes, sex can lead to unwarranted emotions but that’s if you allow it. Don’t lay up and gaze into each other’s eyes after the deed is done. Don’t cuddle and give neck kisses, and no nightcaps! Ever. Think of it as a shopping spree; you go in, splurge a little, and leave with a smile and a full bag (or empty bag lol). Leave the pet names like babe and pooh bear at home. You have to be able to cut all ties if you ever decide to become serious with someone else down the road. Keep these key things in mind the next time your buddy sends the “when imma see you?” text.

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Falling in Love with Potential

The word of the day is potential.

Before we get started, the simple definition of potential is “capable of being something in the future.”

Ladies, it’s usually us who fall for our lover’s potential. We start dating a guy, things get a little serious, and you start falling in love….with who he could be. Now I’m not saying that you must have it all on day one, however, know the difference between actual potential and unrealistic suppositions.

Falling for potential is easier than you may think because most times it’s led by our own expectations, and how we imagine things will be in the long run. We tend to base our happiness on what we hope for instead of the reality of what is. Dreaming is great, don’t get me wrong. Rooting for someone and pushing them to be all you know they can be is what you should do as a partner. However, part of being an adult is taking heed to someone’s character and what they’ve shown you.

I understand the urge to push your partner and encourage them to be better; not letting them sleep if they’ve only give 98%, as we all should, but also accept them for who they have shown you that they are. Make a clear separation to be sure you aren’t confusing the life that you hope for, with the life that you’re living.

If you find yourself saying, “he would be so perfect if he just…” or “if he wouldn’t do that we would be so good,” you aren’t accepting him for who he is. You’re trying to make him into what you hope he will be.

Don’t be the one to fall in love with the potential of who he could be in the future, when he has shown you his true colors in the present moment.

Everyone has the ability to become something in the future; that’s what potential is. Don’t fall for that ability. Love who you’re with for who they are today, and not who you think they could be tomorrow.

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7 Signs You’re the Side Dude

Written By Kay Cruise

When it comes to being sneaky and juggling more than one partner at a time, men are usually at the receiving end of the pointed finger.

Don’t be deceived fellas, two can play that game.

Granted some are perfectly content being the side piece, but not all are aware they’re playing this role. You may want to be the only guy in her life but here are some signs that you may be her side dude:

1. You Never Get Invited to Her Place

You two have been dating for a couple of months and you’ve never been to her house, or at least not inside. What’s up with that? Chances are there are photos and polos from the main dude laying around that she’d prefer to keep hidden.

2. You Have yet to Meet Any of Her Friends

When you two are together, she’s always talking about her girlfriends and how close they are but you haven’t met any of them. That’s because her homegirls don’t even know you exist. If she did introduce you to them, they would probably blow her cover. You know best friends can’t keep secrets.

3. No Social Media Interaction

Have you ever written something flirtatious in her instagram comments and she either didn’t respond or simply erased it? When you’re the side dude, she isn’t going to interact with you publicly via social media; it’s just too easy to get caught. She has all the social media apps but she may be hesitant about adding or acknowledging you.

By the way, don’t get your hopes up of being her #ManCrushMonday on Instagram.

4. Holidays Are Out

Fellas listen, ladies love holidays. If she is dismissing you or giving you excuses as to why you can’t celebrate with her then that’s a clear sign. How many females don’t want to be wined and dined on Valentine’s Day? Oh, and remember when she decided she was just “chillin” for her birthday last year … Yea right.

5. Dates Are Private

My man, you probably don’t even notice that she is keeping you hidden but think about it. She probably turns down the dates that cause you to be in popular, public places. She wants to spend time with you at your house a lot or go places on the other side of town.

6. Curfew Enforced

When I say curfew I don’t mean you have to be inside by a specific time. You can secure your side dude label if you don’t communicate after about 10pm on any given night. She just doesn’t text back and the phone calls go directly to voicemail if you try to contact her on the late night.

7. Nothing Can Happen Unplanned

Last but not least, the guaranteed way to know if you are a side dude is if she doesn’t allow you to be spontaneous. Every date or link up between you two has to be planned. She’s not into surprise visits or the random “be ready at 8” text messages. She needs 24 hour notice for all plans.

If you just realized that you may be a side piece, don’t be alarmed. Sometimes the entree isn’t as good without something on the side. If you rather be the main dish, then you should just ask your lady friend what’s the deal.

P.S. If you ever call her phone and another guy answers, just let it go.

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Does Body Count Matter?

When we embark in intimacy with new people, we’re usually excited and curious to know all that we can about our new romance. We ask what they look for in a lover, why the last relationship didn’t work out, and everything in between. Some of us even step outside the comfort zone with questions such as the number of sexual partners they have had in the past, socially known as body count. Let’s be completely honest with ourselves here, there was always someone before you.

What’s the point of asking in the first place? A lot of people ask their love interest the body count question because they think it may help determine the type of person they are getting involved with. For some, a low body count may mean you are an amateur or others may think you value connections apart from the physical. A high body count can make you seem easy to get in bed or that you’ve experienced life a little more.

Oh, and let us not forget the HUGE double standard as men are applauded for having a high count while women are expected to be modest in their sexual experiences, keeping their number on the lower end. Generally speaking, we don’t know what number is considered high or how many bodies one must have to keep their number low.

To answer the question of the day, body count does not and should not matter. Whether you are aware of the number or not, it shouldn’t be a determining factor in getting to know someone. Everyone has different life experiences and as long as the person has practiced safe sex, what’s the big deal? Don’t be consumed with the past so much that you lose out on a great future with someone over a number that essentially means nothing.

Just keeping it real. If you are asking for someone’s body count then your focus is probably in the wrong place and you should try again later.

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How to Balance Dating Two People

Modern threesome Love - Two women with handcuffed Man

Modern threesome Love – Two women with handcuffed Man

There are two ways to dive into the dating scene; you can date one person at a time, giving each contestant a fair chance at the prize like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, OR you can keep your options open and test out multiple people at once like Jeopardy.

Dating two people at the same time isn’t for everyone, some of us just can’t handle it. I’m speaking from experience my friends, so sit up straight, pay close attention, and take notes on these tips of how to balance dating two people.

DO:

  • Be Honest. Keep it real with yourself and the people you are dating. Don’t tell them about each other (not everyone, or their egos, can handle that) but be sure to let them know what your expectations are and what you look for in a romantic partner.
  • Practice Safe Sex. HIV, herpes, chlamydia, unplanned pregnancy, do I need to continue? Wear a condom, take your birth control, and get tested BEFORE you lay down, especially if you have more than one sexual partner.
  • Stay Off of Social Media. Yes, you have over 1,000 followers on Instagram and Twitter but you might want to lay low with sharing your activity. Tweeting “date night” probably won’t work in your favor.
  • Weigh Your Pros and Cons. Dating two people increases your probability of finding someone you genuinely want to invest in but you can’t date them both forever. Eventually you have to decide who is the better catch and pin point the things you like, and could go without from each party.

DO NOT:

  • Feel Guilty. Look down at your left hand, and if you don’t see a ring on your finger then you are single. Don’t feel bad for going out to dinner with two different people, at least you wont go hungry.
  • Overbook Your Calendar. There is absolutely no reason for you to accommodate both people in the same day, it just won’t work. Also, try not to visit the same places with different people, you don’t want to look over your shoulder and wonder who remembers you from last week. Lastly, it is okay to turn them both down and enjoy some free time with yourself.
  • Leave Evidence. This should be obvious but some people just don’t know any better. Fellas, imagine the look on her face when she picks up the Victoria Secret thong from the back seat that you forgot last night. Ladies, what do you think he will say when he sees that Gucci cologne on your bathroom sink that the guy before him left behind.
  • Assume They Aren’t Playing Jeopardy with You. Never assume that you are the only one, that’s the easiest way to get your feelings hurt. You are dating two people and maybe they are too, but that’s not to say that you wont win at each other’s game.
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From Friends with Benefits to Love?

Portrait Of Happy Young Couple In Garden

Portrait Of Happy Young Couple In Garden

Have you ever wanted a sexual relationship with someone without the emotional attachment or pressure of commitment? You either aren’t ready or simply don’t care to be in a serious relationship. Just because you don’t want the extras, doesn’t mean you don’t have needs. Introducing: friends with benefits. Friends with benefits are convenient, but they can also lead to more; possibly even love. Falling for your friend with benefits may be a little easier and more common than you think.

To start, you two are already on the same page based on the current dynamic of the relationship you have with each other. I mean, you’re intimate and sharing yourselves with one another; and let’s be real, I’m sure you’re cuddling afterwards.

While this is a ‘no strings attached’ relationship, it’s almost impossible not to catch feelings for the other person. Depending on the nature of this casual romance, some people tend to hang out a lot and spend actual time together versus keeping it strictly sexual.

It’s likely that the two of you already act like a couple, you’re just calling each other friends. The “benefits” aspect guarantees companionship, affection, and attachment. Putting your pride aside could be the recipe for the start of something great.

Remember, there is a thin line between lovers and friends: it’s called sex.

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